#BaeSeries | When Loving Seems Difficult

WHEN LOVING SEEMS DIFFICULT

Before anything else, it is important that we first lay a foundational understanding of what love is and what it is not. Let's kick this off by understanding the latter:

What love is not

Love is not a feeling. It's not an emotion (though it can ignite emotions). It is definitely not sex, so we can as well stop calling sex "lovemaking" since it has nothing to do with love. It is also not butterflies in your stomach, and love is definitely not blind. Love sees clearly.

So what then is love?

It's simple. Love is simply a DECISION. It is a COMMITMENT. It is deciding to love regardless of how you feel and what you see (the good, the bad, the ugly and the crazy). If loving is based on how we feel, then it won't be love. Love is a COMMAND (John 13:34), and we are to love just as Christ loved us. Even while we were still sinners, God loved us and gave up His Son Jesus Christ for us (Romans 5:18, John 3:16). So loving isn't based on how we feel, it is a command, a decision, a commitment, and above all, loving is more of an ACT (with the right ATTITUDE) than it is of words (1 John 3:18).

Now we have understood what love is (and is not), how then do we apply it to our relationships/marriages?

The truth is, you will not always feel like loving your partner, but we have already established that love isn't based on our feelings or emotions. Real love is tested for it's genuineness when the circumstances surrounding your choice to love isn't favourable. In spite of your partner, you must continue to love them. You are emotionally vulnerable to them, which makes it easy for them to annoy you, hurt you, drive you crazy and instigate other negative emotions in you, but that shouldn't change your love for them. In fact, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 actually summarizes the attributes of LOVE: Love is patient, kind, not jealous, not boastful or proud or rude, doesn't demand its own way (not selfish), not irritable or easily provoked, doesn't keep record of wrongs, doesn't rejoice in unrighteousness and injustice, it never gives up, never loses faith, always hopeful and endures through every circumstance.

Loving isn't easy, but it becomes easy when we have been divinely enabled to love by the author of love Himself. One who isn't born again does not have the love of God in his heart, and it is impossible for such to love just as Christ loved us…and still loves us. The carnal man loves based on his feelings (especially from the information his 5 senses receive), and love based on feelings isn't love but LUST. But the Spiritual man loves because he has the Holy Spirit, the Spirit of Love. The Holy Spirit enables him to exhibit the fruit of the Spirit, which is LOVE (Galatians 5:22-23). The characteristics of the fruit of the Spirit of Love are; joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. They are very similar to the ones mentioned in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.

As much as we are required to love our partners regardless of their flaws, there are situations where we need to apply godly wisdom to balance this, if not, we will be hurting ourselves even more. This applies especially to people who are yet to be married: As a Believer, you have NO BUSINESS being in a romantic relationship with someone who isn't born again. God FORBIDS us to be unequally yoked with unbelievers (2 Corinthians 6:14-17), no matter how nice they are, because niceness is not a fruit of the Spirit. Such people can't love like Christ, and loving such people without even being in a romantic relationship with them requires divine enablement by the Spirit of God. So dating them shouldn't even be an option, or else you will keep loving them and getting hurt in return (Matthew 7:6). You can't invest your love in a relationship with someone who has no real relationship with God, even if they claim to be born again but still have no fruit as proof. If you do, you'll only hurt yourself at the end. So when making a decision on who to date, with hopes of getting married in the future, apply godly wisdom, because Wisdom is profitable to direct (Ecclesiastes 10:10). And such wisdom can ONLY come from a real relationship with God through His Word and prayer.

Finally, no one is perfect. Being in a romantic relationship with a genuine Believer doesn't mean they may not hurt you, especially in marriage. But love conquers all. When loving seems difficult, talk to God about it, but let it not affect your own level of commitment to love. In fact, that's even the best time to increase the dose of your love, because love truly conquers all. And in situations of conflict, always try to initiate an open and honest conversation with your partner IN A LOVING MANNER. Share your heart with them, tell them EXACTLY how you feel about their words, actions or attitude towards you. Relationships require A LOT of dialogue, you MUST keep talking. Once the communication is suffering, the relationship is suffering. Don't be quick to break up with your partner. Do all you can (the godly way) to salvage your relationship. And for the married folks, we already know that divorce is not an option. Save and protect your marriage, don't give the devil a foothold in your marriage. If things aren't working out well, seek professional and spiritual counselling. You know love feels sweeter and stronger after a reconciliation.

So don't forget, LOVE IS NOT A FEELING, it's not based on emotions, even though it ignites emotions. LOVE IS a DECISION, a COMMITMENT. And God remains the centre of that love because He is the author of Love. A romantic godly relationship is actually a threesome; it involves YOU, YOUR PARTNER, and GOD (LOVE) at the centre being the BOND. A threefold cord is not easily broken (Ecclesiastes 4:12).

—Dikky.

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